laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
