I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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