I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
