So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
