I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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