: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
