Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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