just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
