What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
