That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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