Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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