her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
