I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
