I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
