She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
