Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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