I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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