Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
