someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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