dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
