Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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