Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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