I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
