I was born with a shot glass in my hand
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
