I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
