dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
