Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
