mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I did not marry a roomba.
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