She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
