my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
