sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
