I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
