It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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