I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I want is dick and wine.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
