apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
