im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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