Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My vagina just clenched in fear
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize