Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do vagina's smell?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
