please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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