New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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