I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
