1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
