im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
