I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
A+ Viking dick
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
