If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
