i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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