she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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