Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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