GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
