You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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