Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
