Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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